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Monday, April 16, 2018

not my 15th

What if my past doesn’t have anything to do with me?
My mother does Thursdays with Ancestors.com and her 
cousin because they are old and angry and this makes them 
feel better, retrieving things they never thought to care about 
in youth, and I would say it even makes them happy except that
my mom told me she broke down, had to make made her own 
account on another laptop, so they could work side-by-side but not 
together because her cousin—whom she took in when K was 15 
during the pregnancy and the subsequent adoption and then later
both of them raised their children in the same town (birthdays
and sharing of pierogies, big pots of chili, but never corned beef)
and also they split between them and raised K’s sister’s three when 
shed abandoned them for the 8thman or the 9th or 11th, so that
I didn’t have an older sister (M) until I was twelve—when Mom’s 
cousin K was researching her father’s side of the family my mother 
could not pretend to care, could not sit at her shoulder, because that 
man was a child rapist, and I am nearly positive my mother knows this
certainly though she's never spoken the words, and with his daughters 
having always had some troubles (how the Irish say it), my mom kept 
trying to help them all their lives because family and because they were
younger but she can’t bear to look back. No. Or ask them if them. 
She can’t try to picture him coming from somewhere, out of some 
cycle, or imagine that waterwheel pouring forward. I think I see that. 
And I also think my seeing that has something but not nearly every-
thing to do with my fiction, its science. With my inability to recount 
history as if it has to mean. Because the next question is how much? 
I know the answer to that, and knowing, it makes me like my mother.

2 comments:

Radish King said...

There should be a box to check for gut punch. Should be. Thank you.
Rebecca

bloof said...

Voila there is now a "gut punch" option dears so you can get punching